Part I (March 8, 1997)

Over the course of the next several months I was put through numerous tests. Meanwhile, the panic attacks continued, striking nearly every day. After finishing the tests my doctor told me, "There is nothing wrong with you, it is all in your head." I was devastated. 

Some time later, while was watching a well-known talk show on TV, I learned my condition actually had a name: anxiety/panic disorder. It was then that I knew I wasn't the only one affected. I wasn't alone.

Over the next fifteen years, I not only lived with the attacks, but also with the fear that they could strike at any moment. There was always a fear in the back of my mind that, just maybe, this time it would be more than "just" a panic attack. 

It has been over two years since I wrote my story. I thought it was time to add on to it. I have had many ups and downs in my life during this time. We made a major move to a new city the end of 1997. After spending ten years of our lives in Colorado, one of the most beautiful states in the country, we moved to Idaho. It has been hard adjusting to a new place. I had no friends or family close to me. I threw all of my attention into the computer. I worked very hard on the web site and taught myself more and more about writing HTML. Everything went smooth the first few months of living here. I was not experiencing any full-blown panic attacks, but there was that underlying anxiety lurking around the corner. In September of 1998 our son and his girlfriend moved in with us. It was wonderful finally having family close to us again, but as it is with most families there was tension. There were times when I could feel the anxiety getting close to panic, but I was able to divert the anxious feelings from turning into the panic we all know so well.

In March of this year I received an unexpected, devastating phone call from my Sister-in-law telling me her darling fourteen year old daughter had died the night before from a grand mal seizure. After hanging up the phone my body felt as though someone had poured hot oil all over me. My head was spinning, my hands and feet were tingling, I felt as though I was gasping for air. It seemed as though I could not get my mind to slow down long enough to figure out what to do. I had the first full-blown panic attack after close to two years without one. The next few days were very difficult, I had to work very hard concentrating on my breathing and realizing that bad things were going to happen in my life and I would have to somehow deal with them.